Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
