paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
ugly people sure do ruin things
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
