Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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