I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
