i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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