ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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