rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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