I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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