Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
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I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
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The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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