I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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