i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
