Soap is not a condiment
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
