did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Someone shattered a urinal.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
