Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
