tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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