You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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