I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
