Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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