Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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