Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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