if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
