can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
