I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize