I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
