I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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