Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
