I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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