I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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