Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
