I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
