the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
