Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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