Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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