if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Girls should come with a carfax report
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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