Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
