You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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