The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize