i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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