So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
