I just threw up on my dentist
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
