Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
