I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
