Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
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I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
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Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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