I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
