i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
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If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
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do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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