If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
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I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
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The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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