trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
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Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
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I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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