life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What changed your mind?
Being sober
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
