All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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