i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
