i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
BRING THE BAGELS
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
