i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
