I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Are we still banned from the library?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
