I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
