cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
