He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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