yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
