I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
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