the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We left the knife in your bed.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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