I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
